I got a real family struggle here. For a few months already my uncle and aunt are gossiping about me. I'm having a gap year because I cannot start studying yet because of a stupid lottery system. So to make the best out of this schoolyear I found a family where I can start working as an au pair this week (although its already known for 3 months). At first when I told them they were very enthusiastic, as usual, but later on they thought it was the worst Idea I ever came up with. They even called my mom, yelling at her that she was not a good parent to let me go (Im 20 btw), yelling how much it would cost my family and that I probably would have to work 24/7 and yelling that the man of family should not be trusted. By this time both me and my mom had met the family, who all seem to be great. I get paid well, do not have to do cleaning, laundry ect (only help making small meals for the children). The 2 children (age 3 and 5) both go to daycare and the mom only works 15h a week. Anyway, because we had met them we were of course not impressed by my uncle. So to prevent more gossiping I kept my trip to the USA (I live in Holland) ,which I planned 10 days before my acctual flight, silent and did not tell anyone besides my own parents and siblings. Anyway, when I was in the USA my grandma died very suddenly. I was with my friends in california when I heard the news and they have been a real support! I was so glad to have them around me since I was devastated by the news. I always knew it would be very hard for me. Still, I did not go to the funeral, because I know my grandma would not have wanted me to come back. Besides I did not wanted to be an emotional wreck on my grandmothers funeral because I know my mom would put her feelings aside to comfort me, and I did not want that. I always react very emotional and especially after losing my grandma, I cried so much, I can't even imagine how I would be when feeling such grief while being so tired from the jetlag. So, Instead I chose to stay with my friends who were very understanding. Anyway, my uncle really hates me now and thinks I'm the most selfish person on earth because I did not come back. I really want to explain everything to him, but he always seems to interpered things differently, so I don't know if I should write him a letter. My mom told him after all the gossiping that I would probably not see him for a while, and he replied that it was probably for the best because he doesn't want to see me anymore. He even told my mom at my grandmothers funeral how angry he was that me and my sister (who is still in amerika and also couldn't come) didn't come and how much he always did so much for us, and how little we have done for him (I could come up with lots of things that I have done for him). I just don't know what to do anymore. Would it be better if I just didn't contact him anymore, or should I try to explain even though he'll probably read it differently than it's meant (Such a situation happened before and made him even more angry). Please give me some advice because I really don't know what to do. thanks
Family - 11 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
thanks for the book
2 :
Just Kill him
3 :
You need to calm down so that people read it. but i read it and you need to show you care
4 :
i say you should tell him why you didn't go, and if he gets mad, thats his problem, not yours. at least you tried, right?
5 :
wow thats pretty crazy. if i was in ur situation id write him a letter and tell him everything, if he reads it hopfully hel underdand, if he just skims through it not caring, or just not reading it at all, than fine, you tried to tell him and talk to him, so thats not your fault you are just being the better person, ya of course i would feel upset to if he still kept talking like that but who wouldnt? but i guess thats just your uncles personality, i have family that gossips too no matter what you say or do. its not your fault. he needs to understand, so write that letter and tell him everything, cause at least you tried.
6 :
You need to send him a note telling him you're sorry if you offended him or hurt his feelings and you that you love him and hope your relationship can improve. Don't try to defend yourself and don't make accusations against him. If he responds negatively, don't respond. Whether his response is good or bad, back off for a bit, do your best to limit interaction with him and give everyone time to cool off and deal with their grief. Your mother/parents should be making it very clear that he has no business gossiping about you or attempting to impose his will on you. You are not his child. Your mother should be doing more to protect you from his vitriol. Try to convey this to her, and ask her to support you more the next time she speaks to her brother.
7 :
I would suggest writing a letter, and explain your feelings and leave the door open for further contact. If all he does is complain about your choices, say very firmly and respectfully "Uncle, I am an adult now. I am very capable of making MY own decisions based on whats best for ME. This is MY life. NOT yours. I respect your advice, but you are not allowed to try to control my life.' Make the first step, write the letter/email send it. And as they say the ball will be in his court. If he wants to cut off contact w/ you. Thats his problem.
8 :
well not knowing you its a little tough to tell you what would be best. But, if I were in your position this is what I'd do. I would first try calling him and explaining why you decided to stay. Maybe he's missing a piece of the story and you can give him a different view point to help him understand. If he won't listen to you, then I'd write a letter. He can't interrupt you if you write a letter. You might want to think about having someone you trust to give you honest feedback read it first to tell you if there is anything you'd like to consider removing. If he still wants nothing to do with you, there's not much else you can do besides wait til he gets over it.
9 :
I think you should just send him a letter. Just put pen to paper and write down everything you feel and everything you want him to know. If he doesn't read it, then well....... Too bad for him. If he does, and he still doesn't get you, try getting one of your parents/siblings to talk to him, and maybe he'll open up to them. If he reads it, and understands you, then great! You'll still have a lot of talking to do, but at least you'll have one huge step wedged in place! Honestly, just give him time. And write that letter. There's nothing else you can do. You can't say all of this over the phone (too much heavy conversation) and you obviously can't email this to him for the same reason. The only other option is to send him a letter. And do not type the letter. Hand- write it. It shows that you care enough for him, even after all of this. It shows that you still have time for him. If he lives nearby you, then write the letter, then go to his house, and give it to him to read. Chances are, he'll read it in front of you and talk to you after. But be brave! You never know what could happen! I had to take the a similar leap with someone I really care about, and it worked out really well....... I'm blissfully happy now. I hope this helps!! Good luck! :D
10 :
I would be fair and tell him in a letter your side of the story. Like how they changed their minds, etc. Tell him how you feel. How he reacts is his choice, nut you gotta give him the oppurtunity. If he reacts badly, stop the contact. Time does heal wounds.
11 :
Your mom and dad need to tell him to shut up. He is having too much say in your life. You are not his child and you are doing ok on your own. I would have said you should have been at your grandmothers funeral out of respect. But you are a adult and you can make your own choices next time you are home tell him off. He is not in charge of you and don't contact him.
